so i believe myself to be a complete screw up

and im going to try and go back to ana

im fat
FAT

obese

overweight

however you wish to put it

i was 158 today

i want to be 110

thats my goal weight

sadly..158 is low for me now

i remember when i would be at 150 and want to lose

but now i just wish i could get to 150

i start tomorrow

wish me luck?

im going to weigh myself every sunday

also in order to attempt to make myself not so repulsive

im going to bleach my teeth every sunday

and go tanning 3 or 4 times a week

things should get better

they need to get better

i cant live looking like this

my boyfriends smaller then me

its embarassing

godamn fatty

i hadnt realized it had been so long since i had been on. i think im a different person now, or atleast know more about myself. so if anyone cares to hear my whole life story please read on.

i have figured out that i dont like getting close to people, this is only because i am afraid im going to lose them, i mean it seems to happen every time. no stopping. i hate losing people..im not talking about dying but moving changing you know just losing them...and whats the point in getting close to someone if your just going to end up losing them

i dont open up to people. i havent been able to do this since fifth grade. maybe this is why i cant get close to people also. i dont ever want anyone to know everything about me. its almost as if that would make me feel weak vulnerable. so if bad shit happens in my life.i keep my mouth shut theres enough stupid little highschool drama and other bs thats happening i dont want my problems to be thrown in

another thing.if i ever do get close to people it seems i can never let them go. i dont mean clingy but i think about them way to much and almost obsess about how much i miss them and dont focus on whats going on around me

speaking of whats going on around me, i hate highschool ..have since the day i started 3 years ago...and its never really gotten any better all my friends come and go. i never talk to my teachers unless forced. i barely even talk in class..this makes people think im shy..im not i just dont want to deal with most of there meaningless bs and fake personalities

i am or used to be suicidal..back when i used to cut a lot i was really suicidal i thought about it all the time daily..but never really acted on it..i mean i would plan all these different ways but never do it..i even would take a couple pills but never enough to cause damage..but just a couple weeks ago was the closest i have ever gotten

i pretty much had a mental breakdown after a long line of events i was sitting in my car crying waiting for my mom and decided i would go home and take all the vicadin i could find..and at this point we had a lot in our house..and i knew i would go through with it this time..i couldnt think of one reason to live..and you know what i would have done it to..except that my mom decided to stay home from work. so in  a way she saved my life without knowing it..

i think that i have gone numb. i used to be depressed and felt way to much but never showed it but now its as though i've just blocked out feelings altogether..so it appears i am always happy. maybe if im happy other people will try and not be as dramatic..i cant feel anything i just am pro at plastering that smile on my face and doing what im supposed to

i never cry anymore..in fact that day i almost killed myself was the first time i had cried in prbly 3 years..i try not to let myself care enough to cry. good,bad,idk and dont really care. if i cry im weak..or thats what it feels like

overall. i hate myself. and cant think of something that i do like about myself or my life. but im not currently suicidal so dont worry.

and i havent cut in a couple of weeks yay me.

cutting doesnt bring the joy it used to maybe thats because i really want to go for the wrist but know i cant and have to do it on my hip instead

one of my "best friends" says she's suicidal and depressed..i dont think she has any idea what she's talking about.

i went to a shrink once. i told my mom that she was weird..so i didnt have to go back..in all honesty i just didnt open up..i cant ever let anyone know everything about me or anything close..even if they're a paid professional

but thinking about it why would you want to pay someone to know your deepest thoughts and feelings,..if you were to share those wouldnt you want to do it with some you loved and trusted

maybe thats my problem i dont love or trust anyone...but then again that just leads right back up to the beginning right.

goodnight.

fuck

i used to cut i dont anymore..but i want to..i hate laying in bed at night wanting to feel pain i sometimes end up scratching my wrists for ten minutes straight trying to feel i hate thinking about suicide..i have since eighth grade..almost everyday..thats when my parents found out about the cutting i almost had to go to  a therapist ..but then i stopped..i dont cry..i dont see the poing..i hate how no one really knows me and how i have to act everywhere i go..but know one knows because i hide it so damn well..i hate how when i finally come clean and tell people i hate my dad they ask why..why you ask? because he has fucking anger problems and loves to yell his fucking brains out whenever he has a "bad day" he sexist and racist and completley ignorant he treats my mom my brother and me like shit..but do i tell them this no..why because i m supposed to the the perfect fucking suburban little family..but i dont..i hate my friends i hate most of my family i hate myself why keep living...overdosing and dying would be easier..but do i really want to die..why not just run away..besides the fact that i have no where to go since i live in a little fucking town with no road out of it..the only thing that makes me happy is my dancing..but then im to fat to be a dancer i used to cry myself to sleep about everyone but then decided they werent worth my tears that nothing was worth my tears...when i stopped cutting my wrists  i started cutting other places..but no where can be hidden its just all so damn obvious ..i almost got sent to an insane asylum..thats what would of happened if my parents made me see a shrink..because i LOVE to hurt myself yes i said it i enjoy the pain and no one should care becaue im hurting myself and not them ana is fun...but i go for a week then eat as much as i fucking can but what else is new...i cant be mia..i've tried but not matter how long i keep my finger down my throat no matter how much i gag it doesnt work...damn but then again its my fucked up life and no one should care...but seriously i dont even care..or do i because i know in the end it will never be ok